The Tangle

I'm having an affair, I have been for about two years now. Whilst not technically married this man (A) is definitely otherwise engaged. Has two children, and will at some point become guardian of his nephews and niece as well. He lives two hundred or more miles away, and I get to see him four or so times a year. He is older than me, by a not insignificant amount and makes me feel as though I am really accepted for who and what I am (99% of the time). I love talking to him, discussing everything from books to boobies and feel comfortable doing so. I am also very much attracted to him sexually, and can find myself in a sticky mess just at the sound of his voice. I spend more time than I ought to dreaming of 'being together' with him, but am eventually coming to the conclusion that this is in fact impossible.

I am seeing a 'nice boy' (B), and have been for about a year and a half now. He is not aware that I am engaging in any extra curricular activities although recently he has become very suspicious. He has a job and a house and no children. He too lives more than a hundred miles away from me, neither does he have any intention of moving any nearer. He is not only a nice boy, but a good boy as well. He is kind and patient with me and very generous. Which makes him the most 'normal' person I've ever been with. However I can't talk to him about how I feel, he has no short term memory and can come across (unintentionally) as a bit patronising. I am often referred to as his 'little' something or other (rabbit, love, girl...)


I am already well embroiled in this mess when boy C reappears on the scene. I was involved with him about four years ago and somehow managed to be very hurt when he moved away to study and took parts of my heart with him. When I had begun seeing him I was actually seeing someone else (D) but never felt as though he judged me. It was strange that I had got hurt really, seeing as all along I'd been insistent that it was 'just fun' and that I didn't want to get involved. Hah. Not only was I lying to him, but to myself as well. Seeing him again brings everything up in me. I had always enjoyed spending time with him, especially because he's very interesting, frighteningly clever and passionate about what he does. The sex was also fairly mind blowing, which I suppose, always helps. I should not really have started spending time with him again, I was already in a huge mess and didn't need really to be reminded of how I had been hurt.
The last time I saw him I wrote him a letter which basically said "Don't let me come back, I like you, I can't bear to be hurt again, everything is such a mess." But at the last minute I chickened out of leaving it for him and destroyed it. Perhaps I thought the risk was worth it? Good company is not that easy to come by....
Then I saw something which suggests that he too is still involved in another relationship. My heart for some reason heads straight for my boots.

I've started torturing myself; I'm not as pretty, not as tall, I would not look good in a wetsuit, nor would I ever need to wear one for any reason. I would never dream of skiing much less bungee jumping and am not nearly clever enough to be undertaking post graduate studies at a university.
I'm short with massive hips and no self confidence. All I really think I'm any good at is sex, and sometimes I wonder about even that. I have no career and very few qualifications. I am virtually homeless and insolvent most of the time. All I really want in life is good conversation, good sex, to do some good for my community, and at some point in the not too distant future, babies.

Why you might ask am I tormenting myself this way? I am still asking the same question. But I feel like a fool, and it is an all too familiar sensation.